Inspired by this post on the LAist website, which was in turn inspired by this Yahoo list, I give you the top 5 bands I can’t stand. (By the way, the LAist blog post is worth a gander, as the author has the exact same feelings about Morrissey as I do. We worship the guy and yet can’t deny that he’s a douche. And yet, I also can’t deny that being a douche is part of, you know, being Morrissey, and that if he were suddenly not so damn cantankerous everyone – especially the NME – would be extremely perplexed. As much as I would love to see the NME’s cover story “Morrissey likes stuff!!!” being a douche is part of being Morrissey, I guess. But it’s still kind of annoying).
This is not a list of obvious choices. Creed? Yeah, they are annoying, and way too easy a target, and not as popular as they used to be. Everyone hates Creed (RIGHT? If not, the world I choose to live in is one where everyone hates Creed). So here are a list of other annoying “rock” bands.
5. Nickleback
Like Creed, they are probably an easy target, and yet they are still one of the biggest-selling rock bands ever. I blame them for Daughtry and regardless of whether or not I am correct to do so, I blame them for the horrific Buck Cherry. But more than that, I blame them for writing “Rock Star,” a terrible song with kind of an awesome video so catchy that now that I have written the words “Rock Star,” I have it stuck in my head. Damn you, Nickleback, and your stupid, benign, gentle Canadian rock, because it sucks. And it’s in my head.
4. Creedence Clearwater Revival
Note to John Fogerty. You were not born in the deep south. You are, in fact, from Berkeley, California, land of privilege. You never worked on a riverboat and you have never lived on the streets. There’s a reason that Tina & Ike Turner’s version of “Proud Mary” is better, and it’s because they can sing misery and the promise of freedom like they’ve lived it. Because they have. You were not “Born on the Bayou” and you are not black. You were notoriously assholeish to your bandmates and flaunted your so-called talent. Those might be decently-written songs, John, but you have no business singing them, and if your songs are only good when someone else sings them, you should be writing for Disney movies. Also, your voice is boring. I hate you because every time I go to a party, no matter what the age of the party-goers, songs of yours get lumped into the pile of music that gets played because people assume that no one hates Creedence, or – and I hate this too – CCR. Well, I do. I hate them.
3. Sublime
I was at a party last night and “Summertime” by Sublime came on. “Damn it,” I said. “I hate Sublime. Why were they ALWAYS on the radio when we were in high school? They suck.” My Northwest-raised companions looked at me like I was nuts and admitted they were not super-familiar with the song. “But ‘Date Rape,’” I said. “Why in the effing hell did we sing along to that song? It is actually about date rape and then prison rape. Why was that on the radio? It’s gross.” They shrugged. “I only knew it because my brother’s band at Stanford played it,” said one. The other friend gave me a look like she didn’t know what I was talking about. So, I think my hatred of Sublime is directly related to growing up in California, where they were an inescapable part of listening to the radio. Their easy-breezy reggae/Latin inspired rock was, to me, both vapid and occasionally gross when I was a teenager, and now that I listen to it as an adult, I find it vapid, gross, unoriginal, and, I assume, one of those things you have to do a lot of drugs to appreciate. If you have to do a lot of drugs to appreciate something, it’s not good, because I’ve seen people who are high on pot eat a lot of Funyuns. Sublime are the Funyuns of rock.
2. Radiohead
I’ll admit that I am probably wrong on this one. Radiohead are probably not my problem. My problem is with their fans and with rock critics, who treat Thom Yorke like he is the second coming of Jesus. But from the very first moment I heard “Creep” way back in the mid-90s, I wrote them off as, well, whiny. And that song is undeniably whiny and bad, as is “Fake Plastic Trees.” Since then, I am told they have produced some brilliant albums, none of which I have listened to. Sorry! I have had so many people tell me that I cannot call myself a music snob without an avowed love for Radiohead and their awesome lyric-writing that I just can’t pick up a Radiohead album without feeling like I am only listening to it because I’m supposed to. Well, I can and I do call myself a music snob even though I hate Radiohead for no good reason. Screw you.
And the rock band that annoys me the most is:
1. Pearl Jam
The 90s produced some excellent music made by low-voiced men who mumbled in low-tones. Pearl Jam and their annoyingly long-haired front man Eddie Vedder were not one of those bands. First of all, all of their songs sound exactly alike, even when they are covering “Last Kiss,” a song that was stupid in the 50s and even more stupid when Pearl Jam covered it in the 90s. Second of all, having a kind-of-creepy-low-toned voice and singing about misfits should get you one hit, maybe. I’m thinking of like the Crash Test Dummies (and “Mmm Mmm Mmm”) here. And yet! Pearl Jam have had hit after hit after bloody stupid hit. “Jeremy” was a mildly interesting song, kind of angry and different. “Daughter” was sort of the same song, but also passable as 70s-throwback stoner rock, but barely. They already sounded stale and that was only their second album. They were played all over the radio, sold out concerts, and won an AMA award for best “hard rock artist.” HA HA HA. Then Time put Eddie on the cover of its magazine as the poster child for grunge in October 1993, and that is the moment when grunge died, not on April 5th 1994 when Kurt Cobain was found dead.
The 90s should have been it for them! I’ve seen them live! They are just as boring live as they are on the radio! And they have sold 30 million albums!!! Ach, the whole thing just makes me so angry my eyes cross.
As if that weren’t enough they released live CD after live CD, inundating the music market with wasted space that could have been used for, like, an actually good band’s album. Now Eddie Vedder has a solo album, which will no doubt be exactly the same as a Pearl Jam album, and has released a single with BEN HARPER, the least rock & roll artist ever (granted, that single was in support of Iraq veterans, and it’s nice that Eddie gives a lot back, but could he please do it with BETTER MUSIC?).
Saying “I hate Pearl Jam” isn’t really new and inventive. Google it, and a whole bunch of blog entries come up, along with fan backlash, but since they still have fans, it needs to be said. Pearl Jam sucks.
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It’s funny, I didn’t realize I had such bile for music stoners listen to. I’m sure the stoners have no bile for me, but I also just wish there weren’t a whole segment of rock dedicated to making boys who smoke a lot of weed happy. I rarely listen to anything that isn’t Bruce Springsteen or Elvis Costello or punk made between the years of 1968 and 1981, and that is pretty much the reason why. Stoned people, with the exception of the Beatles, do not make good music and they do not listen to good music. So there!
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